Dear Kobby

This article originally appeared on this site.

Election officials nationwide bristled last month when Mr. Kobach asked them to provide public data on all 200 million registered voters. . . . Some experts argued that matching data cobbled from states’ incompatible databases could be hugely expensive and was unlikely to produce any accurate results. Others were puzzled that some of the data was being collected at all; voters’ political affiliations, for example, have no obvious value in a fraud study.

—The Times.

Dear Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach,

I was excited to hear that, as part of your work as vice-chairman of the President’s voter-fraud commission, you’ve requested that every state turn over voters’ names, addresses, Social Security numbers, party affiliations, and voting histories. This is a sensible and not at all frighteningly Orwellian thing to do! But there’s a dark lining to this silver cloud. I’m moving cross-country next month, and I’m worried that I’ll miss your letter notifying me of which Voter Reëducation Camp my family should report to.

My family has been riddled with liberalism for roughly a century, so it goes without saying that when those Reëducation Camps open up we’ll be first in line for Conservative Thought Correction. But I don’t want our notice to get lost in the mail, and I especially don’t want a lost letter to be misinterpreted as Code 1-76 Deliberate Criminal Ideological Resistance. What if some deep-state postal worker ignores my forwarding-address notice? I think you see the bind I’m in.

So, when I send you my voting history, ethno-genetic breakdown, and list of blackmail-appropriate fetishes, should I include my new address or my current address? Any advice would be appreciated. Obviously, I’m eager to conform with any Voter-Thought-Alignment Guidelines you or Father Trump institute.

Also, Secretary Kobach, which sections of the Constitution have been deemed Non-Functionally Over-Democratic? I want to make sure I cross out the right ones, though I suppose we’ll all get copies of the New Constitution at the Reëducation Camp for use during our mandatory daily Revised-Presidential-Truth-Directives Affirmation Session. I can’t wait to get on board with Father Trump’s most recent expression of reality!

You know what? I think I’ll send you both addresses, to cover my bases. That way you can always find me, even if my phone battery dies and you can’t lock onto its location signal until after I’ve had a chance to recharge.

Oh! Another question: What’s the best way to turn in information for my Erroneously Vote-Aligned family and friends? Or is self-reporting necessary for Reëducation? I want to be certain that you have all the information you’ll need for the Roundup!

Which reminds me, to whom at the G.O.P. Voter-Licensing Ministry should I address the check to purchase my voting rights? Do I just make it out to Kushner Real Estate, Inc., or are those payments supposed to go through Ivanka’s apparel line?

O.K., one last thing—when I’m sent to do my Heartland Value Conversion farm labor, can I take my family with me? Or will I be assigned a new family to begin the process of crossbreeding Anti-Social-Democratic Tendencies out of future generations?

I know you must be crazy busy, but I’m just so eager to exercise my new constitutional right to vote for the candidate you decide I can vote for. I suppose that, if I get anything wrong, I can just repent for it at Voter Confessional, which I think is a great way to recycle all those old voting booths that we won’t need anymore. I’m sorry, not “recycle.” I mean, “make the booths great again.” Another language crime to repent for during my time in the booth, I guess!

The point is, my move is in August, so, if you could get me that Camp info soon, we could just report straight there, and you’d be saving us a trip!

Thanks, Secretary Kobach!

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