Not-to-Be-Missed Shouts of 2017

This article originally appeared on this site.

My, how time flies when you’re living in a state of constant and near-crippling terror and chagrin! It seems like just yesterday we enjoyed a prelapsarian Eden lush with photos of Obama playing with kids, and with jokes about dogs versus cats and New York versus L.A. The tenor of humor was slightly different in 2017 than in preceding years—hard to imagine why. But, hey, as you count down the seconds to 2018, and look back over the previous twelve months, why not focus on some of the yuks we all shared? And the following are not all bleak, I promise. Please peruse pieces, comics, and videos on everything from sex in Airbnbs to New York’s hottest pigeons to La Croix obsession. (Spoiler: Trump & Company might also make an appearance.)

“A Selection of the 30 Most Disappointing Under 30,” by Bess Kalb

Tim Harris, twenty-seven
Started a Bay Area “summer camp” where exhausted tech bros can “unplug” for two thousand dollars a weekend. Read more.

“A Recipe,” by Jena Friedman

As for misogyny, a little goes a long way. It’s already everywhere, like salt or CO2 emissions, so there’s no need to overdo it. But, if you do have a taste for it, you can spice up the dish with a pinch of ass, a small handful of pussy, a smear of telling a candidate who has spent forty years in public service that she looks tired, or a scant cup of sexual-assault accusers paraded around as human shields on live TV. Read more.

“Wow, Weather,” by Riane Konc

Doesn’t weather just make you jealous of people in location? Kicking back, relaxing, no weather in sight. Of course, if I’m being honest, I would probably get tired of year-round weather and miss the weather. There’s something to be said about the way that nature in location looks in weather—nothing like it, really. Read more.

“U Up?” by Ethan Kuperberg

ME: I miss you so bad
ME: Things without you REALLY REALLY SUCK
BARACK: Does someone else have your car keys?
ME: Yes
BARACK: Good.
Read more.

“I Work from Home,” by Colin Nissan

OPERATOR: Now, Robert, did you eat anything today?
ROBERT: Yes. Many times.
OPERATOR: Are you eating now, Robert?
ROBERT: I keep putting things in my mouth a lot.
OPERATOR: O.K., can you tell me what food you’ve eaten today?
ROBERT: You mean everything?
Read more.

“Melania’s Diary,” by Paul Rudnick

As Donald and I walked the parade route, I tried to distract him from all of the empty bleachers by saying, “Look how many trees showed up!” There were several violent protesters, who I assumed were objecting to Donald ranting about “American carnage” in his speech. But I don’t think they realized that American Carnage is the name of Donald’s newest aftershave, which combines top notes of Bengay and Purell with a heady rush of Metamucil, the digestive powder that Donald also uses as a bronzer. Read more.

“How to Survive the Next Four Years Like a French Woman,” by Krithika Varagur

Invest in Staple Pieces

Don’t splurge on every knickknack that catches your eye! French women have an inborn talent for recognizing quality and buying things that last. Like a copper IUD, which will see you through to 2021. Read more.

“Mystery Novels Inspired by a Co-Working Space,” by Zain Khalid

Someone has been using a co-working space’s microwave to reheat what smells like tilefish casserole. Several co-workers are discussing hiring a private detective when Alice walks in, eating tilefish casserole. Will everyone respond by leaving passive-aggressive Post-its on her lunchbox? Read more.

“DystopIKEA,” by Mimi Pond

Read more.

“The Ivanka Trump Guide to Style,” by Cathy Lew

How do you define “style”?

It’s a diamond-encrusted watch that doesn’t lose its lustre when you’re baking chocolate-chip cookies with your children. It’s a fitted blazer that inspires confidence, whether you’re jetting to playdates or jetting to meetings you’re not authorized to attend. It’s makeup that feels “barely there,” which is coincidentally how I will describe my presence in the White House during congressional hearings years from now. Read more.

“Sorry for the Delayed Response,” by Susanna Wolff

Sorry for the delay! I put off answering your e-mail until I had an even more tedious task that I wanted to avoid. Thanks! Read more.

“Finding the Right Haircut for Your Face Shape,” by Sara Lautman

Unfortunately, your heart-shaped face will remind many people of romantic love, and the heartbreak and pain that come with it. Read more.

“Things I Learned About Finance Bros by (Briefly) Dating a Finance Bro,” by Tara Isabella Burton

They will take you to very trendy experimental-cocktail bars that they read about on Gothamist. They will encourage you to try something with twenty ingredients. They will order an Old Fashioned.

Every. Single. Time.

Read more.

“1-800-CATS,” by Gabrielle Bell

Read more.

“I Am a Tinder Guy Holding a Fish and I Will Provide for You,” by Amy Collier

Behold my mackerel.

I have caught it for you and it is for you to eat. Love me, for I shall fill your dinner table with many fish such as this one in the days to come. During our time together, you will never go hungry or fear famine. You will never want for trout, salmon, or otherwise. I will sustain you with my love and with my fish. Read more.

“Satirical Cartoons,” by Edward Steed

With just a few strokes of a pen, the cartoonist sums up a complex situation in a single powerful image that explains everything.

Read more.

“Please Make Yourselves at Home in My Airbnb and Have Sex,” by Colin Stokes

Just to be clear: I know that having sexual intercourse with your partner in a stranger’s home is an essential part of a romantic getaway in the sharing economy, and I want you to have a special weekend together in my house. I hope that by being upfront about that reality, I can make you feel as comfortable as possible about ravishing each other in my bed while I stay at my friend’s place a few blocks away. Read more.

“A Mouse Problem,” by Marina Tempelsman and Niccolo Aeed

But maybe it’s not that bad?

Read more.

“In Trump’s America,” by Seth Reiss

In Trump’s America, the sun rises at 6:30 A.M. and sets at 6:32 A.M. On Mondays, both happen a minute sooner. Wednesdays are called All Moon All the Time Wednesdays. Saturday doesn’t exist. Read more.

“Wet Paint,” by Sam Bronowski

Why are there so many “wet paint” signs in the subway?

Read more.

“The Writer’s Process,” by Hallie Cantor

I remain seated at my desk for the entirety of my writing session. (I do not attempt to convince myself that I could be just as productive if I were writing in bed, and that it would be kind of fun and “like college.”) Read more.

“The Four Horsemen of the Internet,” by Demi Adejuyigbe

One bellowed, “We Shouldn’t,” and both were dogmatic.
Another cried, “Here’s Why Op-Ed’s Problematic.”
All removed nuance from Op-Ed’s arrival,
Which heavily hindered their chance of survival.
Read more.

“ ‘Seinfeld’ Episodes from the Point of View of the Girlfriends,” by Blythe Roberson

“The Virgin”

Marla is a virgin, and her “doesn’t need to fuck right now but wants you to know that he DOES fuck” boyfriend, Jerry, and all his friends act like it’s this huge deal. Everything is drama with these people. Read more.

“What to Expect When You’re Expecting Fascism,” by ZZ Packer

This perennial best-selling guide attempts to calm the fears of parents who have no idea what to expect when their bundle of fasces arrives. There are so many questions to ask: Is your particular little bundle of fasces true fascism, or do you merely have a colicky autocrat with corporate-syndicalist tendencies on your hands? Read more.

“Newly Discovered Very Illegal Thing Will Finally Bring Down Trump (Or Be Another Cute Tile in the Mosaic of Democracy’s Demise, I Guess),” by Broti Gupta and Karen Chee

The latest Illegal Action, along with everything else the man has done, provides us with new reasons to suspect that Trump has, yet again, been scheming with the Russians. One of the most compelling pieces of evidence is that Trump was caught openly scheming with the Russians. We are waiting for more reasons to officially declare whether Trump was ever scheming with the Russians. Read more.

“Tennessee Williams with Air-Conditioning,” by Mallory Ortberg

STANLEY: There is no need to sweat or shout in such a small, well-chilled apartment. I can be heard across the room without raising my voice. Look, I have created a chore wheel for the three of us, so that we might all have clear expectations of one another. Read more.

“Writers Looking for Forever Homes: Adoption Listings,” by Sarah Hutto

Meet Richard. Richard is a feral writer who has garnered interest from literary agents, but he lacks the perseverance to finish reading a novel, let alone to write one of his own. When Richard is not working on first chapters, he sporadically attends a meditation group where he is known as “the weeper,” hangs out with one of his two ex-girlfriends, and shoplifts ramen noodles from his local Walgreens. Read more.

“Before the Internet,” by Emma Rathbone

Before the Internet, you could laze around on a park bench in Chicago reading some Dean Koontz, and that would be a legit thing to do and no one would ever know you had done it unless you told them. Read more.

“Feminist Knock-Knock Jokes,” by Kimberly Harrington

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie thing you can do I can do for eighty-seven cents on the dollar.
Read more.

“Things I’m Afraid My Daughter Will Be Doing in 2026,” by Emily Flake

Read more.

“George R. R. Martin Might Be Rushing His Work,” by Evan Waite and River Clegg

Along the coast of Dragonstone rose stone watchtowers. The towers were nice in a way that’s kind of hard to describe. If you saw them, you’d be very impressed. Read more.

“It’s Time for Hillary Clinton to Gracefully Bow Out of Public Life, Along with All Other Women,” by Daniel Kibblesmith

It is as one of Clinton’s biggest supporters that I say to her now: your work here is done. It is time for Hillary Clinton to disappear from our magazine covers and our television screens, and gracefully retire from public life. Ideally, taking all other women with her. Read more.

“The M.T.A. Workout,” by Jed Feiman and Nehemiah Markos

Grab a towel, swipe your MetroCard, and get ready to sweat.

Read more.

“N.Y.C.’s Most Eligible Pigeons,” by Will McPhail

Francis Fairfeather
This real-estate mogul has property in the deli pipe that blasts out meat wind, the gap in the train platform—basically, wherever people didn’t care enough to put spikes.

David Hornby-Wenning
Like accents? David grew up on the leafy streets of London and is the heir to a vast biscuit fortune (one biscuit). Don’t like accents? Cool, he can’t talk.

Stephan Proudfoot
Bird-about-town Stephan is one of those not-quite-as-hideous brown ones.

Read more.

“From Napkin to Notoriety: The Meteoric Rise of That Writer You Can’t Stand,” by Annah Feinberg

After spending two and a half arduous years writing occasionally in his tiny black Moleskine, [THAT WRITER YOU CAN’T STAND], twenty-six, almost gave up. He relentlessly foisted his half-baked poems on any publishing-world gatekeeper, and spent the rest of his time thinking many deep thoughts. He never even considered getting a job—partially because he didn’t need to, but mostly because he knew in his heart that he was going to be a success. Read more.

“Jared Kushner’s Harvard Admissions Essay,” by Megan Amram

I heard from my daddy and my friends’ daddies that you are a big house for smart, good boys. I am a good boy! I am nice and my face is very smooth. Would you like a hundred-dollar bill? It has Benjamin Franklin on it! He is silly, because he only has hair on the sides, not on the top. Here are some of him! Read more.

“Common Venmo Charges, Decoded,” by Olivia de Recat

Read more.

“Don’t Even Think About Talking to Me Until I’ve Had My Second La Croix,” by Wes Marfield

You see this look on my face? It’s not “resting asshole face.” It’s “I-need-twenty-four-goddam-ounces-of-cran-razz-in-my face face.” Read more.

“If the Bees Go Extinct, How Will I Talk to My Child About Sex?” by Mia Mercado

How can I be expected to look my sweet little boy in the eyes and say, “Bees have been declared an endangered species, Brendan, and also there is a thing called a labia”? Does this mean I’ll have to learn what a labia is? Read more.

“Haikus by Don, Jr.,” by Will Stephen

Buildings are the best,
With elevators, and glass.
So cool. So cool. Chyeah.
Read more.

“I’m Going to Europe to Work on My Tragic Addiction to Power and Privilege,” by Steven Markow

It’s not easy for me to come out and admit that, yes, I have struggled with a dangerous dependency on power and privilege. For decades, it’s been ruining my life by getting me all the things I want immediately after I experience the impulse to have them, and I understand that it’s caused people a lot of harm, myself especially. Read more.

“Nine Responses to ‘But What About Chicago?’ ” by Jay Jurden

I love them as an easy-listening band, and “Saturday in the Park” is a beautiful song, but I don’t know what they have to do with gun violence in this country. Read more.

“Trump I.Q. Test,” by Broti Gupta and Rebecca Caplan

If Ivanka is 35 and Melania is 47, what is the oldest that a woman can be?
(a) 40
(b) 48
(c) 35
(d) 50
Answer: Would accept (b) or (d); there is no way to know yet.
Read more.

“When in San Francisco,” by Catherine Mevs

When in San Francisco, I think about fog. Where does it come from? How dense is it? Will it show up today? Which neighborhoods does it like to hang out in most? Can I stop it from messing up my hair? In San Francisco, fog is essentially my boyfriend. Read more.

“New Innovations in Noise-Cancelling-Headphone Technology,” by Jeremy Nguyen

Read more.

“Dear Pepper: Inappropriate Questions and Walking Right at Me,” by Liana Finck

Read more.

“Maybe She’s Born with It. Maybe It’s . . . Something Else,” by Elizabeth Zephyrine McDonough

Read more.