Hello, all—Serious Conservative Writer Man here to discuss a matter of grave importance. Donald Trump is a boorish, uncouth embarrassment to the nation, and it’s high time my colleagues in the Republican Party stood up to him once and for all: we must impeach this inurbane ruffian to restore the dignity of our party and our country. At which point, we can immediately resume doing the exact same things but, like, the regular way. Without bad tweets and stuff.
Trump’s callous insults to North Korea and Iran endanger American lives every single day. It is not the job of the Commander-in-Chief to spout off clownish nicknames from his golf course but, rather, to lead our military with dignity and strength by properly ramming through bipartisan declarations of endless war.
We need to condemn Trump’s bigotry and stand up to racial injustice by courageously declaring that “Nazis are bad,” then receive gushing praise on Twitter for clearing the lowest moral bar possible. Trump’s brash rhetoric continues to further divide our nation; we must come together to return to an era of tenuously duct-taped-together nominal equality that we don’t talk about very often, and then undermine it at every turn with dog-whistle buzzwords and nakedly racist policies.
How about instead of ridiculing our party leaders for failing multiple times to torpedo the health-care system, Trump actually praised us for our successes, like effectively yanking health-care funding from nine million low-income children by letting CHIP expire? But no—this churlish ogre is too busy threatening to noogie Mitch McConnell to step up as a leader and help us de-facto murder low-income children under the guise of “choice.”
Our attacks on reproductive rights, women’s health care, and the environment are going great. The last thing we need is some ratings-obsessed ignoramus staining the Party of Lincoln with his ridiculous tweet tirades. These deeply un-American outbursts are making us all feel marginally worse about siding with him ninety-nine per cent of the time.
For a moment, just imagine how great a President Pence would be. He’d give one speech where he stayed on-prompter and pronounced vague aphorisms about strength and conviction, and the media would gush over his poise and confidence and write variations on the same “dignity has been restored to the White House” article. Then we could all get back to tweeting broadly acceptable mush about freedom and “hard-working Americans” while continuing to do every single thing that Trump talked about.
It’s time we took a stand. Mass shootings may be an unavoidable consequence of life, but Donald Trump’s cloddish buffoonery is not.
Serious Conservative Writer Man is the author of several books, including “The Economic Upside of Dismemberment” and “The Logician’s Case For Eugenics.” He hosts the show “Room Volume Rigamarole” on the Daily Plorker’s Truth Enema blog.