Your free ride is over. Health care is a problem, not a privilege. Stop whining.
Your name: _____________________________
Are you sick a lot? YES___ NO___
Are you a Congenital___ Compulsive___ Frequent___ liar?
Faking illness began in Crib___ Playpen___ Kindergarten___ Grade School___
Proceed only after signing the following health-care oath:
I am not rich enough to pay my medical bills, so I expect the government to cough up the money, even if the government had nothing to do with it.
(Check one) True___ Probable___ Not Yet, but Close to Being Proven___
Sign Here: _____________________________
Photograph by Gene J. Puskar / AP
PART I: CONFIDENTIAL HEALTH-CARE-PLAN DISCLOSURE
Where does it hurt?_____________________________
Aha! You are already sick. This is a preëxisting condition. Claim rejected.
PART II: HEALTH-CARE-PLAN REIMBURSEMENT POLICY
The new health-care plan redoubles previous efforts to avoid, postpone, or obfuscate the reimbursement process until you give up, or to flatly refuse payment of your claim due to any of these factors:
1. You are a preëxisting applicant.
2. Russian hackers sold your case file to China.
3. All Health-Care-Plan funds are now in the hands of Health-Care-Plan Czarina Ivanka Trump, who has sole responsibility for divvying up said funds among persons on the list.
3a) Your name is not on the list.
PART III: HEALTH-CARE-PLAN-BENEFITS QUALIFICATION INDEX
Carefully examine this Health-Care-Plan Qualification Index to find out if you are eligible for payment or reimbursement.
Ineligible: Sickly/Crippled/Mexican/Feminist Agitator/America-Hating Reporter/Crooked Hillary/Crooked Hillary Henchperson/Flying-Saucer Unbeliever/Ungrateful Black Athlete/Member of Media/W.W.E. Critic/Homo/Muslim/Foreigner/etc., etc.
TO DETERMINE WHETHER YOUR ETHNIC, RACIAL, ECONOMIC, POLITICAL, OR OTHER GROUP AFFILIATION HAS BEEN ADDED TO OR SUBTRACTED FROM THIS INDEX, FOLLOW THE PRESIDENT ON TWITTER.
PART IV: HEALTH-CARE PLAN IN ACTION
The true test of any new government initiative is whether it slyly bends the nation’s laws to favor friends, punish enemies, and protect vested interests. For example:
JILL: How can the Health-Care Plan evade responsibility for paying for the brain surgery of a poor couple’s infant?
BILL: Harass the mother with faked evidence of drug use; have the father’s car run off the road and flatten an old lady; get a crooked pediatrician to testify that the baby is brain-dead. Presto: another Health-Care-Plan file is closed!
Glossary of Health-Care-Plan Terms (please define):
Media (fake news)